Give Me Novocaine

What was supposed to be a fun Sunday night out for a coworker's last night in Korea...turned into this...

After work let out, we all hopped on the 2200 into Seoul for a nice dinner at a Bulgarian restaurant. The bus driver was driving like a total asshole...which is nothing new in Korea.

About 20 minutes into the ride...I was nearly asleep with my iPod in when my finger tips started to go numb on both hands. I knew what was about to happen, as I have experienced this twice before...

The numbness quickly spread down to the rest of my hands...then the muscles in my hands began seizing up...my fingers stiffened and curled into a claw-like shape. The stiffness in my hands spread all the way down my arms, pulling my elbows in toward my body. All of the muscles in my arms were rock hard...in the least sexy way imaginable.

I then started to feel numbness in my face...from my temples down to my jaw. The muscles around my jaw and mouth began to stiffen...causing my mouth to pucker...again...not sexy.

The numbness/stiffness spread all the way down my neck...into my shoulders...into my abdomen region...and all the way down to my toes. I was basically paralyzed for a good 10 minutes.

Luckily, I was sitting close to a friend who knew exactly what was going on. As soon as I felt my finger tips go numb, I called over to Paul and said "It's happening"...showing him my hands as they began to deform into claws. Laura, who was sitting next to me, kept me calm as she massaged the muscles in my hands and got me some water. Between my rapid breaths and puckered mouth, I told Laura I needed to go to the hospital. Khristy looked up hospital info on her phone right away. Everyone around me was trying to help in any way possible. Basically...I have really great friends here and I'm lucky to have them around.

By the time we got into Seoul and off the bus, I had started feeling slightly better. I could move my fingers and walk on my own...but I was shaking like Muhammad Ali.

Paul and Kyle got me in a cab and took me to the hospital. What an experience that was...

First of all...with all of the face masks you see in Korea to prevent sickness or whatever the hell they wear them for...you would expect to see more of them in a hospital waiting room.

Nope.

Not one.

Just a bunch of sick-ass Koreans hocking up their lungs all over that room.

Second of all...I have never had the experience of pay-as-you-go treatment. It was like a fucking McDonald's. Before I could be seen in the ER, I had to pay a 50,000 Won ER fee. It was more expensive because it was a Sunday night...or a "Holiday" as they call it.

After that, I was taken back into the ER for blood work and stuff like that. This place was like a Vietnam War hospital tent. I was sat in a bed right next to an old lady with breathing tubes down her nose...she didn't look like she was going to make it. They didn't even have a curtain separating us for most of the time. After the IV was put into my right arm and blood was drawn...I was told I would need to take a CT Scan...or a "shitty scan" as the Koreans pronounce it.

BUT...before I could get that done...I had to wheel my IV up to the front counter and pay 100,000 Won to get the Shitty Scan.

After all of this, my results all came back negative. All of my blood work was normal and healthy and my shitty scan showed no irregularities.

Now...this is where the shoulder-less intern comes in. And hilarity and frustration ensue.

This man has the smallest frame in the history of people. That's saying something, coming from me.

After asking a round of questions, he looked confused and said he was going to consult his "Senior"...which we were pretty sure that he was just typing things on WebMD.

He came back...asked another series of questions...and went to consult his "Senior" again.

After a few trips back and forth, his frustration started mounting. He had no idea what was happening to my body. He would ask questions...I would answer them...then he would hang his head and walk away. This happened at least 8 times before his "Senior" finally came over to ask questions.

I want to be friends with her. She was hot....and rich...and smart. She was the Senior Hot Neurologist.

But she was just as baffled as Dr. McNoshoulders.

She asked me how my "Anal Tone" was. I wasn't sure I heard her right...so I asked her to repeat herself...she said it again. I looked at Paul and Kyle...we were all holding back laughter. She then said "You know...anus?" Then made her hand into an anus shape. The three of us lost it. I told her I think my anal tone is normal. She didn't find it funny. Whatever.

After more questions and confused looks...more blood work was ordered.

One nurse came over and took blood from my left arm to check my muscle enzymes.

About 10 minutes later, another nurse came over to take blood from my main artery in my right wrist. I have never had this done before...and I NEVER want it to happen again. The guy stuck the needle in...and missed the artery. So, instead of taking it out and trying again...he dug around for a good 20 seconds. It was like the chest waxing scene from the 40 year old virgin. I'm pretty sure that whole hospital heard exactly how I felt as that son of a bitch dug around in my wrist. When I found out he had to do it again...I'm pretty sure I was cursing him like he had never been cursed before. That son of a bitch.

After more waiting...and questions...and confused faces...and anal tone jokes...the shoulder less intern appeared. After telling me multiple times throughout the night that what happened to me was not a seizure, he told me I needed to take an EEG test to check for a seizure. I couldn't afford to take a test for them to tell me exactly what they have been telling me all night, so I refused it. They said there was nothing else they could do for me and they have no idea what is wrong...and I was free to go...after I paid for the rest at the front counter.

I have an appointment next week to meet with the Professor of Neurology at the college linked with the hospital. Hopefully, he can at least guide me to someone who may have some answers for me.

I'm alright now. Just really sore...and thankful for my awesome friends here in Korea.

Here's hoping this doesn't happen again.